February 8, 2011

You'll Never Know How Slow The Modems Go

Dear AOL,

First of all, please allow me to offer this extremely overdue thank-you note.  You very generously sent me many lovely free coasters trial CDs back when the world and we were younger.  Although they were only marginally more useless because I didn't own a computer, they were shiny.  So, so shiny.

Anyway, that was sweet, and I wish you well despite never actually having used your services. 

So, I hear things are going pretty well with you?  How's that dial-up business going?  Really?  Forty percent of your revenue?

No, really?   

Look, there's something I need to ask you.  It's not in my nature to be forward about such things--really, I'm quite shy.  In my way.  Anyway, here it is:  I think we could be very happy together.

Sure, it just didn't work out with Time-Warner.  Oh, I know, you've been with that Huffington woman.  She's lovely.  Really.  I'm not going to get between you two crazy kids.  But don't think people don't talk.  Oh yes, AOL, they've seen you give Gawker the eye.  (Ha, see what I did there?  This is the kind of quality content I generate on a daily basis, unless I get really backed up on the laundry.)

AOL, let Second Most Likely to Succeed be your little bit of fluff on the side.  I'll even be happy to stay on as editor, and at a bargain price.  I'd settle for $40,000 and a case of Chivas per annum.  Or $41,000 and I buy my own slosh.  I'm low-maintenance like that.

Like you said, the AOL and HuffPo union was a case of 1+1=11.  I say, let's make it 111.  Actually, what with TechCrunch, let's call it 1111.  Heck, add in Business Insider and then we can do a full hand of tally marks like so: 1111.

Email me, AOL.  You know how to email, don't you?  You just plug in your modem and SQUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAABRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.