February 8, 2012

The SMLTS Valentine Shopping Guide

Let's be honest: Valentine's Day is much like Halloween in that it stops being genuinely fun after you leave elementary school.  Sure, you still get to get dressed up and go out, and there's likely free candy involved, but it all comes with the faint odor of kabuki makeup, not to mention an implied COD slip.

It's the time share of holidays: Kind of a scam, but once you're roped in, you can't really escape it, so you have to pretend to enjoy it.

So, might as well make the best of it!  Rather than spring for a dozen overpriced, tired roses, why not consider these original tokens of chronologically-dictated lurve?

1. His/Her Very Own PT Boat

From Hammacher Schlemmer, the always-reliable purveyor of impulse purchases for The One Percent, comes a truly novel gesture: The beginnings of a small but very real private Navy.  Yes, you can purchase an honest-to-goodness PT boat for your love, who can then proceed to prowl the Mon nonstop whilst emoting randomly in a terrible Pixsburgh/Hyannis accent and casting vaguely threatening looks at Herr's Island.  At least that's what I'd do.
Heah we go, Steelahs, heah we go...

And rest assured, this cream puff of a pre-owned vehicle is indeed still armed "with a single .50- and two twin .50-caliber Browning machine gun stations, an aft 20mm Oerlikon cannon, four tubes that each housed a Mark VIII torpedo, and two depth charge launchers."

It is not considered good form to attempt to forcibly board The Majestic using your recreational warship.  Just FYI.

2.  The Retinas Of Your Beloved's Enemies, Or Indeed Of Any Unfortunate Passers-By


With a spare DeLorean and some elbow grease, you can give your love the gift of inherently reckless driving with their very own mirror-polished stainless steel car!  This is a real thing that people do!  There's no doubt that on a sunny day, other people attempting to share the road will be in awe of your beloved's awesome sense of style, right until the point that they crash into the nearest overpass!  Remember, if the result looks sufficiently awesome, you are absolved of the moral consequences of your actions!

3. A Fitting Tribute To The Greatest Film Of All Time

If the above suggestions are too rich for your blood, consider giving the gift of obscure pop culture references made delightfully tangible.  Gloriously, somewhere in the world, there exist bobblehead dolls of the protagonists of top-quality MST3K fodder The Final Sacrifice, Troy MacGregor and Zap Rowsdower.
Zap Actions-dower! (right)

Sadly, as far as I can tell, it looks like these fantastic dolls are one-offs...  but maybe you could contact the artist and make a generous offer, backed with a heartwarming tale of how, after all, it's for your valentine  <3 .